BRIAN DYKSTRA:
 Okay, here’s the deal with this.
 The terrific people who did ALL the work on my website (leaving me to get more sleep than they do) decided it would be cool (my word, not theirs) if I’d write a bio that wasn’t a typical bio. You know, more like this, in the first person. I agreed because I had already weaseled out of doing any kind of daily, weekly or really any sort of log, diary entry, blog, missive, or updated message to all the millions of surfers who drop in on my site. Hi dad. Love you.
 And, I figured I’d do it chronologically rather than most impressive
stuff first which ultimately trickles down to third spear carrier on
the left when I understudied a French Herald (one eighteen line speech
that got cut down to eleven) in King John outdoors
in Central Park (during, perhaps the hottest, wettest summer I’ve
lived through) wearing a sweater from head to toe (it was supposed
to represent chain mail) and a plastic bucket on my head painted to
look like a metal helmet so that we could all go into battle with no
one in the audience having any idea who were French and who were British
soldiers. In fact, the buckets made it possible to die an English warrior
and then magically be reborn as one of the French. The highlight in
the production for me, was when we were rehearsing a fight with B.
H. Berry where six of us spear carrying soldiers were attempting to
protect the Queen against a gang of broadsword wielding invaders, and
the actress we were surrounding, Jane White, looked down at the blunt
end of six spears she was standing in the middle of and yelled for
us to stop. She looked at our esteemed fight choreographer and asked, “B.
H., how do I know I’m not going to get hit in the pussy?” But
I digress.
I got my undergraduate degree from California State University,
Long Beach and my Graduate degree from Rutgers University. There was
a year at Brandeis thrown in, but I didn’t get anything from
there except a couple great friends. All in all, I spent 9 years in
college and graduated like every other actor, without a job.
I did a
couple professional productions while still in college. In Hippies
From Hell I played (what else) a hippie named Redwood who
was really working for the government in a sting operation to nail
a guy who was stealing and selling (I guess on the black market)
cases and cases of Government Cheese. I played the guitar – and
to this day my resume does not mention anything about being able
to play the guitar (because I can’t). The other play was Kevin
Patterson’s, A Most Secret War which,
if you find the Samuel French version, you can see me listed in the
original cast when the show played in New Brunswick NJ and when it
moved to the Harold Clurman on 42nd street. After graduating I
got two shows with the New York Shakespeare Festival, non-equity
contract ($225.00 a week), spear-carrier dude in Much
Ado About Nothing with
Blythe Danner, Kevin Kline, Brian Murray, Phoebe Cates, Jerry Stiller,
David Hyde Pierce, and Dylan Baker. Not only that, the non-equity
company, of which I was only one of many, included Andre Braugher
(Homicide), Matt Servito (The Sopranos and the Low Sodium Sea Salt Campbell Soup Guy where he was dressed to look like Chef Boy-R-Dee), Teagle Bougere (The Tempest)
and Andrew Culteaux (can’t say what happened to him). The other
show I did that summer was the aforementioned, King
John.
It was during our first dress rehearsal in the park when I heard
the director on a bullhorn screaming at a non-equity lady in waiting
type that (and I quote) “I will not stop a dress rehearsal
for a costume change!” I happened to be standing next to Blythe
Danner at the time and wondered out loud what this director would
stop for a costume change…opening night perhaps. Blythe smiled
but had way too much class to encourage this kind of insubordination.
 I
got in the acting company (lower case on purpose) and was (as I heard
later) the first person fired from the acting company for any reason
other than disciplinary (trashing hotel rooms, showing up high, etc.)
I got fired (over the phone, by the way - long distance – on
my dime) because I was lousy in the part. Now, when something like
that happens it’s amazing how many people have stories about
how many famous people were fired from their first professional gig.
Let me tell you, it doesn’t help. One day I was looking at ten
months of employment (albeit on a bus with a pack of recent Juilliard
Grads) and the next day I didn’t have quite enough weeks to file
for unemployment. I realized that many successful actors may have indeed
been fired from their first professional gig, but then, so were a lot
of hacks you’ve never heard from again. I was lamenting my fortunes
when the NYSF stepped up and gave me another job, this time as The
Forrester in Love’s Labour’s Lost at The Public
Theatre. I had four lines (later cut down by Mr. Papp) to: “ ‘A
stand where you may make the fairest shoot.” Ah, theatre.
  From there it was the usual regional theatre things. Saint Louis Rep,
North Shore Music Festival (where we did Macbeth in
the round in a 2400 seat house, and over half the performances were
10:30 high school matinees. I played Macduff and still cry a little
for the poor guy who had to get it up for Macbeth all those times.
God bless the guy, he didn’t damage his voice. Which was a miracle.)
New Hope Arts Festival (living with “members of the community” which,
really the union should outlaw), Indiana Rep, The Asolo (twice), Cincinnati
Playhouse in the Park, The Fulton Opera House, American Stage Company,
Pittsburgh Public Theatre (four times), Theatre Fest, Philadelphia
Theatre Company, Arizona Theatre Company, The Kitchen Theatre (three times). I did shows like Boy
Meets Girl (that’s the acting company gig, fired), Macbeth (twice,
once in the round, once on a mound of dirt), Bobby
Gould in Hell (had
a ball), Much Ado About Nothing (Three
times, Benedick, which I believe translates to “good dick” was
perhaps the second most fun I’ve had doing Shakespeare, the one
in the park, and Don John in a production  nobody but the audience liked.) Dracula (I
acted with a mouse. She stole the scene, hell, she stole the play),
Nora (solid), King
Lear (couldn’t dress myself, the men all had 18” hair
extensions and the asses cut out of our pants, and The Fool lost his
costume in front of a preview audience) Keely & Du (6
page monologue at the end, rehearsed about seven times before first
dress, sweet.) All My Sons (George, lost
22 lbs and my hat was the wrong size, much fun) Twelfth
Night (the most fun
I’ve had doing Shakespeare), All The Rage (wonderfully
dark comic play about gun control. When I auditioned I didn’t
know my character was gay. Thought  his “wife” Chris was
just that, his wife. And I did read the entire play, I swear, there’s
nothing in the reading of it that it can’t be a straight couple.
In fact my character has an affair with a fifteen year-old girl and
lies to Chris about it. So I audition, get a callback, get my agent
to read me the breakdown that mentions my “boyfriend” and
I realize I can’t change anything I already got the callback.
So, I audition again, the director comments on what an “interesting
actor” I am, I reply that it’s “an interesting play”,
 and boom baby, I’m cast.) The Cherry Orchard (a
joy.) A View From The Bridge (Eddie Carbone
for a terrific director, rock the house), Dinner
With Friends (with a wonderful director
and such a talented cast), Copenhagen (again
with the talented director. In fact I’ve been on an unbelievable
roll. The last five or six shows I’ve been in have all had rare
and wonderfully talented directors. It was beginning to look like you
had to get lucky to have a good director 20% of the time, but my average
is shooting through the roof recently. I hope this doesn’t jinx
things), a couple of my own plays Strangerhorse, Hiding Behind Comets, Clean Alternatives (in NYC, Ithaca, and The Edinburgh Fringe – we won...whatever that means. We won the festival. No, we won a Fringe First, which was great. Oh, go to Scotland and do a play at the festival. It Rocks! Plus the scotch and beer and ale are rockin’! I did see two fights though, and like I mean brawls! Go Scotsmen!.)
  During all that time I was acting in things in New York. Black
Picture Show at Here, The Undeads and
Romeo & Juliet at
Ohio Theatre (I played Juliet’s Dad as an abusive alcoholic.
Somehow that worked because I later married the director), Antigone at
Saint John the Devine – like THAT wasn’t a blast. Although
the little actress playing Antigone was such a tantrum throwing brat
that she actually spit on me during the play (every night) so after
the show I had many an audience member confide in me that they were
secretly rooting for Creon. Not really having to do with my performance
as much as how unlikable was this actress. And, if you can’t
be likeable as Antigone, it may be time to go to work selling ads
in the Yellow Pages. I also did Offending The
Audience,
 which may be the most fun I’ve ever had on stage while much
of the audience hated being there. I did Incommunicado at
The Harold Clurman, Drunks With Guns at
The Access Theater, and thirteen months of Breaking
Legs at The Promenade Theatre
with Phil Bosco, Vincent Gardenia, Larry  Storch, and a host of others.
That show paid off my student loans, so thank God for that. Recently
people are letting me perform some of my own stuff; The
Mean Queen & The Thief of Hearts, some slam poetry at
various venues (I’m an HBO def poet which is cooler than any white guy has a right to be), That Damn Dykstra: The Boxed
Set,
and Brian Dykstra: Cornered & Alone, and The Jesus Factor (which you can now aquire on DVD for, like, 14 dollars)
 During
all this time I appeared in five movies you’ve never
heard of, (and one you may have Freedomland – rent it at your peril), all the New York soaps, three Law & Orders (Sample
dialogue, “Two
gunshots, one to the shoulder, one to the back of the head. He had
a wallet on him…” etc.) I did two Chappelle
Show’s.
The first is the famous “Blind Hatred” skit from the premiere
episode where Dave is a Blind White Supremacist speaking at a quasi-Klan
rally, and I’m his white hand man – excuse me, his Right
hand man. In the other (called White People Dancing) I played a character
named White Cop and indeed, I danced.
  Of course during all THIS time
I’m writing plays and screenplays.
A couple plays in college that will never again see the light of day;
Mother Made Me Sleep W/ Men, The
Stand-Up Party, Dark The
In Sounds Dark Sounds In The Dark, and a full length that I’m
actually too embarrassed to even relate the title. After college and
through today I’ve seen productions of my short plays; I
Am/Lot’s Wife, The Committee,
Smithfield & Cox, Service/Order,
Spreading The Word, On
Paper (which I’ve expanded into a full length now called Clean Alternatives), and Motor Oil. I wrote
an epic slam poem called HO! Which is a
Xmas poem that has been done with five actors and with one actor. My
latest one-acts are called Mick Just Shrugs, Youngsters, Peetie & E, The Artist and the Other Guy which was included in a benefit evening for The Access Theater. It’s one of those plays that are site and event specific, so now that the benefit is over, you’ll never have the opportunity to see it. Alack! Alas! Yes, I can hear your heart breaking. Also Just Us, Two Naked Guys... (also event specific) Paris’ Snatch (which is supposed to be published in some kind of “Best Short Plays of 2007” publication, but if you see it, that’ll make one of us, which may or may not be produced by The Drilling Company very, very
soon and an as yet untitled thing that may or may not be included in
a benefit evening for The Access Theater. It’s one of those plays
that are site and event specific, so after the benefit, you’ll
never have the opportunity to see it. Alack! Alas! Yes, I can hear
your heart breaking.
  My full-length plays have been produced here and
there. Forsaking
All Others was done in Los Angeles, London, and New York.
Hiding Behind Comets in Cincinnati,
Eureka, Boston and 29th Street Rep in the NYC. STRANGERHORSEgot workshopped in Pittsburgh and produced in New York and Ithaca. Clean Alternatives as I wrote was done in three places.Silence was
commissioned by The College of the Holy Cross, and performed as  part
of their season and at the Stella Adler School. Sex/ReligionPoliticsIsolationLove&Rage
Straight Up/Water Back was done at the West Bank
Downstairs Theatre Bar, and really, we should do that again. Spill
The Wine, A
Sane Policy and my latest play A Play On Words are all looking for their first production. My other latest play, currently untitled is slated to open The Kitchen Theatre’s 2008-09 season. I had a studio deal with
Fox2000 to write a dark romantic comedy called Baggage
Claim (unless
it’s called Blown Kisses) that
has disappeared into the typical studio nightmare, but there are
some good people trying to pry it loose. I have litle hope of that ever happening because it’s really, really good. I have some other screenplays floating around, but you can go check that out in some different part of the website. I would like to say that Hollywood people…they’re
crazy. It’s amazing how much they all collectively don’t
know but can all agree on because they all don’t know the same
things. If this just sounds like a cranky writer talking, talk to
any writer who’s done the screenplay thing. Wow.
 I went to London with a terrific play called Americana Absurdum by Brian
Parks, but the London producer is a douche bag (there I said it.). I’m working on a new screenplay called Double Down with
an old friend in Hollywood.
I’m married,
no kids (My mother in law claims I have a low sperm count, I counter
that I’m completely impotent. It usually stops
further conversation. My wife weighs in with, “If I have a biological
clock it’s electric, and its not plugged in.” so that seems
to work out for the two of us.) We live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan
and don’t want to leave. Our friends keep getting younger as
we lose our older friends to Hollywood, parenthood, or they simply
have to get out of the business.
That’s it from here.
What have you been up to? (Like I care.)
Brian Dykstra
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